25 Things I Have Learned From Becoming A Mother - The M Word

25 Things I Have Learned From Becoming A Mother

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  1. Your tea is usually cold. If you can find where you left it.
  2. Playrooms do not exist. Also apply this to Kids’ side of the garden or house or room. Their stuff goes everywhere. It spreads.
  3. If the pasta is still wet or warm and on the floor, leave it till it dries, easier to sweep up.
  4. Girls can fart just as loudly as boys. Fact.
  5. If you fear something wrong has been eaten, it probably has. I was once handed a red balloon in a clear baggie at the creche, pulled from a nappy. True story.
  6. Your body will never be the same. Lament and move on.
  7. Your hair will never be the same. Grey ones or just less ones.
  8. Your feet can grow up to 2 sizes. I’m keeping my designer collection for my daughter. Or son, if that’s his bag. Currently I resemble an Ugly Sister trying to wedge my new post baby trotters into them.
  9. Going to work may be like a mini holiday.
  10. Going to the dentist is also holiday-esque – you get to lie down without being asked for a drink/snack/help/dinner/more food/entertainment of all kinds.
  11. Don’t wear black to work for an important meeting. This is an invitation for puke or snot.
  12. Your house will be clean for one hour a week, if you can get them to get out for an hour while you DO THE FLOORS!
  13. If your kids play field sports, you’ll never have clean floors ever again.
  14. Never ever, ever suggest putting on Let it Go on the Car CD player “just once”.
  15. Never ever try throwing out any kids’ drawings or arts n craft stuff. Hearts will be broken.
  16. Never ever throw out any part broken toy or a never played with piece of Happy Meal wind up yoke.
  17. You are likely to find wrappers for anything under anything, anywhere for up to three weeks. Also applies to bits of nuggets, sausages, peas, carrots. Never chocolate weirdly.
  18. If its quiet upstairs, drop everything you are doing immediately and investigate.
  19. Search the entire house daily for sippy cups containing the dregs of some disgusting drink. That stuff can ferment.
  20. Ban PlayDoh, anything glittery, soft sand, play sand and lego and you’ll never lose your sanity.
  21. Don’t try and rush. This is alarm bells for kids to immediately upgrade to Slow as Hair Growth Speed.
  22. Sitting down to lunch, especially with someone else, is like turning a fog horn on if your baby is sleeping.
  23. You will never see the bottom of your laundry basket ever again.
  24. Let them watch tv sometimes. Otherwise it becomes the forbidden fruit.
  25. Watch them grow up and try not be a sentimental emotional mother in a black outfit covered in her own snot.