27 Things I’ve Learned About Parenting (Including Crusts) - The M Word

27 Things I’ve Learned About Parenting (Including Crusts)

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By no means exhaustive, yet.

  1. Repeating yourself continuously: put your shoes on.. not that foot, not that foot, not that foot, not that foot… oh Jesus c’mere and I’ll do it; come in for dinner, it’s bath time etc; mention a treat however, or Youtube and they are all ears and specifics.
  2. Asking “rhetorical questions”: “How was school?” “Any news?” It’s like living with the Homeland team. I have enlisted a secret agent (my friend’s kid) although she may be a double agent as she only reports nice things and I am deeply suspicious.
  3. Becoming your mother and quoting from her little book of cliches: “If your brother put his hand in the fire, would you?“(they normally look excited at this one, as if it’s a challenge) “Your face will get stuck like that” (or your hand.. in your pants!) and “Money doesn’t grow on trees” (technically paper money begins life as a tree.. Conall the smartarse).
  4. Having ridiculous conversations that normally begin with “would you rather?”: This morning’s was “would you rather be a sniper or a soldier?” If a satisfactory answer is not received within 30 seconds, there may be tears (mine).
  5. Juggling many chores at the same time: I once breastfed Rian while unloading the washing machine and locating Ossie’s car keys with the power of my mind (they were hanging on the key rack as normal grrrr).
  6. Biting back swear words: I’m not brilliant at this but I do try to leave the room before I’m goaded into saying something that would scorch Father Jack’s ears. I’ll normally walk into my room and hiss assholes, while kicking the bed and then rejoin them like Mary Poppins (on valium).
  7. Becoming unshockable by bodily functions, casually cleaning arses and vomit without having to hold your nose:Also interspersing conversations with other adults with asides to your kids like “take your hands out of your pants” (very common in the Ozdemir house) or “if you have to pick your nose, please put it in a tissue and not in your mouth“.
  8. Piling on weight by finishing the kid’s meals: I can’t help it my mother told me not to waste food, it’s sinful you know.
  9. Pretending to know everything: thank you Google for making me look so smart.
  10. Knowing the intricacies of Minecraft, Roblox and Five Night’s at Freddies.
  11. Kissing their boo boos away and revelling in the fact that you have this great, placebo power and wishing you could self-heal instead of being so reliant on Solpadeines.
  12. Always having wipes in your bag: and if you don’t you may feel the onset of an anxiety attack.
  13. Guilt: I am constantly guilty about what I feed them, how much technology time they have wrangled and mostly about how I have lost my shit with them at the end of a difficult day.
  14. A lot of empty threats: I say stuff like “put away your toys or I’ll bin the lot of them”. I would, to prove I’m a hardass but they cost so much money (yes you Lego) and I don’t think I could bear the endless whinging in the aftermath of such a cull.
  15. Wanting to burn your house for the insurance because the kids have destroyed it and you don’t know where to begin cleaning: the marker off the walls or the chewing gum on the couch?
  16. Trying not to become an alcoholic by relying on the numbing effects of wine/ gin when they are in bed to soothe your tattered nerves.
  17. Never looking at your optimum best (this could just be me): By the time I get the three of them dressed and lunches packed for school, I have about 90 seconds to throw on leggings, a jumper and put a bobbin in my hair.
  18. Passing on your heritage: like a love for crisp sandwiches, comfortable shoes and the Beano.
  19. Having a love/ hate relationship with your washing basket: The love is obviously when it is empty.. a rare and solemn occasion, like the Winter Solstice.
  20. Being forced to watch a lot of crap on TV and YouTube: I hate you Skylander family!
  21. Eating crusts
  22. Saying SHHHHHHHH more than anything.
  23. Never having ANY privacy; in the toilet, in the bath and definitely not in the Ann Summers drawer.
  24. Fighting with your spouse and on reconciliation saying “what did we fight about before we had kids?
  25. Worrying incessantly that something could happen to them be it illness/ bullying or abduction and scrolling through your Facebook feed quickly and with your eyes squinted so you don’t see any bad stuff about kids that could cause many sleepless nights.
  26. Getting out of bed in the middle of the night to check they are all still breathing and maybe get a smell of their gorgeous, sweaty little heads as they sleep angelically.
  27. Never getting enough sleep due to the above/ dealing with their nightmares and your own and middle of the night water/ cuddles requests.

By Aisling Özdemir

Originally published at www.fazedandconfused.com