I think it’s written in Greek mythology somewhere, you have a baby and all of the humanity arrive with mountains and mountains of baby clothes. Now I’m not being an ungrateful old sod, Most of these clothes are a godsend! The button popper vests and all in one baby grows. If only I could dress my kid in these for the rest of her life. I would be done with rummaging. (I spend 80% of my life rummaging these days) But the others? I’m calling bull shit on! You know, the baby clothing that just vanishes from the effects of one bout of the washing machine, dryer, clothesline radiator and hot press. If they make it out of the hot press into the child’s room intact, as a pair and in one piece, hand me that “domestic goddess” crown.
So, I’m calling bullshit on the useless baby clothes that cause more stress than function:
Babies spent their days playing with their feet, lying on their back touching their toes (as we look on in envy). Socks are a mission in bub’s eyes, pulling them off one at a time, it’s a game. Simple. I can’t understand why baby socks don’t have a huge ‘mitten string’ attached to them so you can string them through tiny trouser legs. At least that way you know where they are. They won’t be on the baby’s feet but you know where there are. Since I had my baby, I’d say I’ve spent weeks upon weeks looking for socks. If a pair of socks is lucky enough to make it into the wash together, they won’t get out together. Like a Hollywood marriage, they are doomed for separation. Perhaps there should be sock pre-nups.
Jeans on babies!!! Why, just why? Putting a pair of jeans on a baby is like squashing a whole french baguette into a toaster. No matter what size your baby is, they just don’t fit, they’re not comfy, the elastic sticks into their tummy leaving an imprint and the pockets always seem to be poking out. I’d love to know exactly why they put pockets in baby Jeans. It’s not like they need some were to keep their cash, wallet or keys, is it? The Onesie deserve every inch of the recognition and fame in my book.
Ok, I was a bit of a sucker for these before I had my girl. I would lift a 0 to 3 month dress on a hanger and look at it and shriek at the cuteness of it (my ovaries would explode just looking at them). But, in reality, baby dresses only look cute on the hanger.. you never see them in all their glory on a baby, because em…. it’s a baby. A baby is a fairly slouchy creature, (not designed for London fashion week) designed for swaddling and cradling in your arms. A view from the back is the best you’re going to get as you wind her over your shoulder avoiding a spew-covered front.
What is it with huge bows on babies heads? I put a clip in my girl’s hair one morning just to keep her fringe out of her eyes. But by nine o clock I was almost reaching for the Kalms! Clip goes in, baby takes it out, clip goes in, baby takes it out….I remember a neighbour calling in to me with her baby. Her Bubs sat up playing away like Minnie Mouse with a humongous bow sitting on top of her head. My girl beside her like a dishevelled stray dog, her eyes obscured by a mop of hair.
‘She won’t keep her clip in her hair at all will she?’
‘Em.. no, she’s a bit of fee spirit,’ I reply. Vision is overrated anyway eh…
Babies who can’t walk don’t need shoes – end of. When they begin to wobble around, a pair of those little cruisers will do. But a Mariah Carey walk in wardrobe of shoes isn’t needed – they’re as bad as socks. In saying this, I fell into a trap of pretty dress shoes on one occasion. My girl had just started to walk and we were going to a christening. She had a beautiful navy dress and now that she could stand upright could show it off in all its glory.
But on the way to the christening, I had an impulse buy. Stopping off to get a pair of backup pair of tights for myself, I spotted the cutest pair of dolly shoes ever. Perfect for her navy dress, I thought..
I whipped off my girl’s sensible shoes in the car on the way. (welcome to the world of uncomfortable shoes girly I thought). Ah, she just looked a picture and everyone agreed, the compliments were flying. Throughout the day, my girly kept pointing to her shoes and saying ouch.. ( she will get used to them, I thought) but she was adamant on taking them off. (Just keep your shoes on hun I whispered (around 20 million times) in the church )
At the afters, she was still persisting they were hurting. I took them off to let her have a run around in her bare feet! (like her mother at a wedding) I looked at the shoes WTF I don’t believe it!
I’d left the blinking paper stuffed inside them from the shop.
So maybe I should be calling bullshit on trying to get my shit together as a parent? But for now I’m blaming the clothes and I’m calling bullshit on useless baby clothes.