Living Without…My Husband

It is another Sunday afternoon and that feeling of dread is setting in. No I don’t have to go to work tomorrow or leave my kids, thankfully. But what I do have to do is put my single Mum hat back on soon.

For over a year now and for another four or five months I will have to continue to wear this hat Monday to Friday. And to be honest I do not like it anymore. My husband works down the country for the week returning home on Friday night. The weekends are so short trying to please everyone and trying to give each and every one of us a weekend. But this does not always happen and as a Mum I often make the sacrifice and just try make memories for the kids and take some stress off of him.

But the worst part about this Sunday afternoon is I am also unwell and will have to just get on with it for the week. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t do fussing and hate sympathy but it would be so nice to just switch off the Mammy button and go lie down for a bit. Physically the body is good enough condition to keep going, but the mind is fighting me tooth and nail to give in, throw in the towel and say F**k it. This Momma is burnt out big time.

We get through our days the kids and I but when those days’ stretch into evenings on the GAA pitch or Drama shows, that’s when the shit hits the fan. My younger child who is tired and ready for bed before the others takes a lot of blackmail to make her stay put, to watch their big sister play a match. The packed picnics on freezing pitches at 7pm, anything to make them all happy and content. It does not always work out that way of course and most times can end up with me shouting at them, and threatening to return to work and let someone else deal with this crap they are dishing out! So basically the drive home is me having a mental break down then stopping at the shop for ice cream because I just feel so bad.

So what does this bring with it? Yes, the awful Mum guilt. I have Mum guilt so badly there really should be a vaccine for it. I have the guilt like a Mum who works full time and sees her kids only on weekends. I see my kids 24/7 365 days a year. If at the weekends their Dad is up before me the first thing they ask is “Where is Mammy”.  Like I have eloped during the night to an Island with just books a box of matches and an endless supply of wine and my pyjamas, of course. They come in from playing outside and bypass him to ask me something they can ask him. They forget he is here.

But on a serious note, I miss him I miss us. It is hard enough keeping the family going but trying to keep your relationship fresh and with three kids in the middle that is a mammoth task. Each morning I wake to a text from him telling me good morning and he loves me, sap. But that is it till 8/9pm that night. Each night the kids say their good nights to him on the phone, heart-breaking. His schedule is horrific and I don’t know how he does it. I have contemplated emailing his boss asking him “Can I have my husband back please”?

Thankfully we have a friendship first and have known each other since we were fifteen so the foundation is there we just need to keep building. My husband reckons when he does move back home for good come September (hopefully!) I will be sick of him by October. Time will tell.

I give huge kudos to any Mum/Dad doing this job alone, honestly you guys are amazing. It is a huge task taking the well-being of any child on board and carrying that burden on your own.

I will never take this task on again, after this job is finished next time he is taking the kids and dog with him!