Top 20 Things That Make Me the Meanest Mom EVER

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Ways this week in which I’m ruining my childrens’ lives

  • I won’t drop what I’m doing to sew my daughter a Halloween costume. In July. Also, I don’t sew.
  • I said the word “vagina”
  • One of them ate the last Otterpop for breakfast
  • I killed our last cat and served it up in a lovely stew
  • “No fun til you’re 21″
  • Indentured servitude to me until you’re 21
  • “No snakes”
  • “No tattoos”
  • I make them sleep outside without a tent when they won’t stop talking at bedtime
  • It’s too hot
  • I make them work in gulag-like conditions
  • Dogs and cats need to eat
  • When I’m too drunk to cook, I make them eat what they didn’t feed the cats and dogs during the day
  • They have to make their own shoes
  • Hover boards are idiotic, not practical, and too expensive
  • Parents have sex
  • No sleepovers with your “boyfriend” (when you’re 13)
  • We can’t afford to vacation in the Caribbean like Matans’ parents
  • The one time I made them lie to the police when they came to ask about the mysterious disappearance of our neighbor’s annoying exchange student

Are you actually the meanest parent ever? I don’t believe it, but invite you to prove it below.