First Time Mum.
This title means so much. It is euphoria, exhaustion, uncertainty, silly questions, mistakes. Yet it is all forgiving.
As time goes on and your baby gets older, this title fades away, and after those first few precious months, you will never again be described as a ‘First Time Mum’. That safety net is gone, and people begin to assume that you know what you are doing.
But the truth is, we never stop being First Time Mums – no matter what age our babies are. We never truly know what we are doing!
Because however old they get, each and every new experience our children go through or new obstacle they hit will be a first for us too, and will have us fumbling for answers and reaching into our guts to make the right decisions.
So to my daughter I say; I am sorry!
I’m sorry that you had the L Plate Mum who was scared and exhausted, and who didn’t understand you a lot of the time.
I’m sorry you had the Mum who was only just beginning to trust her instincts. The Mum who was adjusting to a whole new way of life, feeling resentful, confused, overwhelmed, as she tried to push a soft little baby into a very square routine.
I’m sorry that you will always have the Mum who is winging it, who is flying by the seat of her pants; because you will always be the one to hit those milestones first.
I am so sorry that you, my eldest, will often get the worst version of me.
Forgive me when I say “You should know better!” just because you’re the eldest. Forgive me if I seem to go easier on your sister – I have learned to pick my battles down the years! Forgive me when I get it so wrong, I am still learning.
I always will be with you, my love.
But know that I will keep trying my best. Know that you have softened my cynical heart, and that you have brought us such joy. Even when you are pushing me to my limits, I know this will be an invaluable trait when you are a young woman finding her feet in the world.
And as much as it frustrates your four year old soul, don’t ever doubt that I love you equally as much as your little sister – my heart is just that big!
Believe that your little sister truly loves you. I see how she watches and copies you, the way she follows you about and teases you for attention.
Know that whatever storm hits, we can weather it together, and even when you feel us drifting apart, I will always be here when you drift back.
Wherever I am, you are home.
You are my firstborn, and this is the unique bond we shall always share.
Your First Time Mum