Firstly, wear busy prints!! A great way for disguising dirt and baby vomit, I find a good 80’s print hides a multitude. That groovy graffiti design never grows old and really almost looks like baby puke anyway! Apply same to pants as your baby learns to crawl/stand and cling on to your legs.
Invest in some adult nappies. We all know mums don’t have the time to pee, that would be neglectful and selfish! So why not prevent those pesky recurring kidney infections and allow yourself the freedom to pee anywhere, anytime!
Tired of looking for that damn soother that your child “shouldn’t have anyway”? Use duct tape! Two nifty little bits of tape will stick that sucker to your little ones face all day long. Problem solved!
Wear a mask. This will cover you in a multitude of situations — when you bump in to old school friends looking haggard and miserable, when your little precious mortifies you in public with an epic tantrum or when your husband is trying to tell you about his day over dinner/feeding time at the zoo.
Download the ‘Engaged Mummy’ app. A handy little app for any device that plays a continuous loop of interested mummy noises. You can ‘uh-huh’, ‘really?’, ‘mmmm’ your way through hours at a time without opening your mouth or engaging your brain! Works well in conjunction with the mask….
Hide snacks about your person. Mummy’s don’t have time to eat no more than they have time to pee! So keep a variety of snacks close to hand for when the dizziness suddenly kicks in as you realize you’ve not eaten since Wednesday. Be sure to have the snack already removed from the packaging for speed of consumption and so the little vultures don’t hear the rustle — they can appear frighteningly fast!
Have an overnight bag ready at all times. Not for yourself you understand. That would be crazy, selfish, wishful thinking! No, for your little one, so when anyone even hints at the idea of taking them for a night their little bag can be swiftly grabbed and thrown out on to the pavement as you take off in a cloud of dust cackling loudly. Just be sure your little one isn’t still strapped in to their car seat….
Don’t forget your bath. And no, again, not for you! (Selfish, wishful, neglectful etc. etc….) This is a commonly forgotten parental resource. Kids love the bath. Throw them in there, day or night, get involved! Lots of bubbles, enough toys that they can barely move, off they go! Collapse on to the bathmat. Remove when sufficiently wrinkly.
And finally, play dead! Extreme but sometimes necessary. If you too have a child that wakes at stupid o’clock, when they come sniffing about at daybreak, apply grisly bear rules. Don’t move or breathe until they move on to the other parent.
Thanks for reading