To my princess,
I remember when I found out I was pregnant with you. Those were the happiest days of my life. I never dreamed two pink lines could cause so much joy in my life. From the moment they appeared I saw you as a baby, a little person and a part of me. Excitedly each week I checked to see your growth and how big you were. I took pictures of my growing belly. My love growing for you day by day, kick by kick.
The day you were born within hours I don’t know how I ever lived without you. My world had changed forever and for the better. Everything was a new adventure, but we did it together. From the moment you came home we were a team and a family.
But, I wasn’t prepared for the bang that followed a few weeks after… I heard people talk about the ‘baby blues’ but nothing quite prepared me for what happened next. The darkest part of my life that I vow to always keep hidden from you. The tears that fall are hidden and the racing thoughts locked away. I smile through the sadness in the hope that it goes away.
It’s my job to protect you from the truth.
As you’re nestled in bed fast asleep I let the tears fall. My heart aches with sadness, but I’m not sure why. The tears fall so hard it feels like they never stop. My head telling me how much better off you would be if I wasn’t in your life.
Each day I wake it’s a battle with my mind, to fight my thoughts and hide the tears. I smile through the sadness to protect you from the truth. The truth that so many of us face but are too afraid to tell anyone. The fear of judgement from others. We assume people will think we’re bad parents and take our kids away.
People will judge us and think we’re “crazy.”
So we hide in the darkness feeling so alone like no one else in the world feels this way. What’s worse is the guilt for feeling this way. It eats away at you, but I know I am not alone. I know there are thousands more out there feeling the same way, just too afraid to say.
Princess; I may not be the perfect mother, but each day I wake I try. I wake up fighting the fear and sadness. Even though it feels like I will never feel right again, the clouds will part and the sun will shine again someday.
I will always be there for you. To love you and protect you. I will fight for happiness and to be the best mother I can be. I do it all for you.