A rainbow, a symbol of hope
We finally got pregnant after nearly a year and a half of trying to conceive. Finally, our wishes had come true. We were going to get our baby. It never entered our heads that it could go wrong. But it did, only a short time later.
I started bleeding, not much to begin with. It was a weekend and the out of hours doctor didn’t help on the phone. We decided to head straight to the hospital. We met a lovely midwife who said that the bleeding was light and could be normal. She said to come back in the morning when the early pregnancy unit was open.
The next day the bleeding got heavier and deep down I knew what the outcome was going to be. But we went to the appointment anyway. They were so lovely. It was too early for a scan, but they did blood tests. They rang the next day to confirm a miscarriage. Even though I knew I was still devastated.
It was a baby in our heads and hearts already. Before I even got that positive test, I just knew I was pregnant. But just like that I wasn’t any more.
It took a while to come to terms with. I found a trying after miscarriage group online. I found some solace there. Others were going through what we were. It was there that I learned of the term rainbow baby.
It is a baby born following a loss of another baby. ‘When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean that the storm didn’t happen or that we aren’t still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.’
We began to hope again. We wanted our rainbow baby. Seven months after our miscarriage I found out I was pregnant. This time we didn’t have the same excitement. We were afraid that it would go wrong again. I got an appointment at the early pregnancy unit because of the previous miscarriage. When it was on the due date of our angel baby, I took it as a good sign. And everything was perfect at that appointment. The rest of the pregnancy went fine. We had our gorgeous baby girl.
But we never forget our angel baby. There has been signs that they are watching down on us. The first scan as I mentioned was on what would have been the due date. A year later I found out I was pregnant on my son. A year later a butterfly came into our house for two days. A year later we conceived our youngest girl. And when the babies were younger, they all looked in the same corner of our bedroom and smiled. I like to think that they could see their brother or sister.
We experienced another loss last year when my father-in-law passed away. My husband was feeling down on Christmas day without him. And my mother-in-law was still in hospital. I found a butterfly in our hall that day and I took it as a sign that my father-in-law is still looking down on us.
Now, nearly seven years after the miscarriage seeing rainbows still make me feel happy. They give me hope that although times are hard now with my mother in law being ill, we will get through them together. And in the meantime, there are some good times. ‘Life isn’t waiting for the storm to pass, it’s learning to dance in the rain.’