So how has my life been since March 2016? Like most lives I guess with its up and downs. But unfortunately for me and my husband things have seemed to be more down than up. 21st of March is the beginning of bad dates I won’t forget to soon.
All started the weekend before. I had decided I was going away with the girls to Galway for the weekend. Seemed like a great idea at the time, some girly fun as I was then a little over four months since I gave birth to my gorgeous son. Friday night started with a period and heavy clots, bigger than I had since the birth. Thought nothing of it as though maybe it was my body coming back to normal. Saturday had a full body treatment and was so sick for the rest of the day I really couldn’t cope.
So came the following weekend, the weekend where this bad luck started. My husband was off to a stag in Vegas as you do. I wasn’t feeling myself and had more clots on the Sunday and was worried so I went to my doctors on the Monday. MONDAY THE 21ST OF MARCH!!! To be told that I had a positive pregnancy test and that I most certainly was having a miscarriage.
How did I feel, I really don’t know how I felt. Numb maybe!! Shocked for one, most definitely shocked. But who do I tell who do I share my news with. You didn’t know you were pregnant? You were on the pill? How did this happen??!! All these thoughts running through my head as my four-month-old was screaming, my daughter in school. My husband in Vegas probably still out or sleeping it off, how do i tell him this without ruining the last day of his trip. I have to tell him, I can’t not tell him and leave it until he gets home can I.. So I told him.
Probably not the best thing to do.
He, of course ,was upset as was I and the only thing I could say was maybe it was meant to be. It was too soon after my son, maybe my body wasn’t ready for it.
Maybe because my son sucked the life out of me. my body just couldn’t cope with it all and rejected the baby.
Time passed and I was still hitting the gym hard, we have booked Boston and New York, so that was our little high to look forward too. My husband and I! We had discussed the options of having more children and that we wanted to keep our son and the new baby close as the age gap with my son and daughter was 10 years. So in June 2016 we decided to come off the pill and see how we got on. I had various check-ups with the Coombe, cysts bursting, enquiring about getting my tubes tied after the next baby would arrive. All that fun stuff you talk about at your check-ups. So August 26th we found out we were pregnant again. A wave of joy and being slightly scared came over me and my husband. Plus the fact that we were going to Boston on the 8th of September I was worried.
Up up and away we were on our flight to America, my first time and I was very excited. I was trying in the weeks previous to keep fit in the gym so that I was in great shape going over as we had a wedding. But as soon as we landed I had to try hide the fact I was pregnant. Ah sure that 1 drink will be fine, do worry about it. But I declined as jet lag and vertigo kicked in over those few days I felt very ill.
America was amazing and a road trip to remember. My husband and I like two teenagers living the dream.. But back to reality and back to our two beautiful children..
So the weeks passed and at about 9 weeks I told my husband something is wrong I think the baby is gone.
But then we both though I was crazy and said we had a little over two weeks to our scan..
Scan day arrived. We didn’t tell anyone we were pregnant so stupidly brought our son to the scan, but as we walked in, big signs NO KIDS ALLOWED IN SCANNING AREA!! Typical we though. So as I drank far too much water (I was bursting to pee ) I had to go.. Tried to get as much water back into me before they called me 15 minutes later. So in i went alone. Excited and nervous to see our little baby jumping around the screen.
The Nurse asked how many weeks I thought I was and I said 11 weeks 5 days. So she started to scan me, digging it in, left to right. I saw the sac but where’s my baby. Again she asked me could I be wrong with my dates. I knew I wasn’t wrong. So I got the “I will have to get the doctor to maybe to an internal scan and have a chat with you, you can now empty your bladder”.
My husband and son were outside the door, I looked up at him, holding back that my world was shattering right there inside me. I said it’s not good, and ran to the toilet to empty my bladder.. When I got out my husband and son were gone..
So back to the room I went and there I was making small talk to the nurse on how many kids she had and typical Irish I think but I was feeling bad for her having to scan me and try tell me the bad news . The doctor arrived in and said he was sorry but there is no heart beat and we think the baby stopped at about 8.5 weeks but come back in in a week and we will scan you again just in case you got your dates wrong and there is a heartbeat..
Where was my husband and son, I couldn’t breathe, I was breaking.. I walked out of the room and the door wouldn’t open, I tried to hide my face, butthe tears that were streaming down my face.
Jesus door just open, all the other expectant mothers with their great news and me, my body failed me, I failed!! I can’t produce a baby for my husband. I rang him, Went out to him, couldn’t speak!!! My sister rang me, I told her we cried on the phone. Then I went into a daze.. I was numb, then I was hysterical!!! Tears wouldn’t stop!!!
That week was the longest week of my life. People were so kind and trying to help, but they didn’t understand, this hadn’t happened to them before… I was trapped inside my head looking out to the world carrying on.. I was grieving, my husband was grieving, my body was in a mess, hormones didn’t know what was going on…
I was accepting it, then I wasn’t, I was angry, I was depressed I was so so sad. Then it did a full circle again..
Scan day arrived 25th of October. Well that confirmed it, we had a miscarriage. They booked me in for a D&C on Friday the 28th of October. At this stage I wanted the baby out of me, I wanted to carry on with my life and try put this behind me ..
D&C done, I was told I lost a good bit of blood but was sent home, I was tired and exhausted but it was done. Time to get back to my life again.. The gym became my best friend again, putting all my anger and hate and betrayal of my body into the gym. Trying to turn it back into a machine.. This helped me but stress didn’t help and I lost far too much weight.
During all that I was in agony too, bleeding, stomach pain were not my friend, to be told that they left some of the “BY PRODUCT” and that’s what was causing it. A week before that they told me something was wrong with my womb and that a consultant would call me straight away for me to come in . THAT NEVER HAPPENED!!
My husband and I went for my check-ups after that and all seemed to have fixed itself.
So we thought; ok,two miscarriages now. Will we try again, surely this can’t happen again?
We had a lot of downs during this 3 month period. A lot of sadness and not much talking about it and what happened. Amazing how tragedy hits 2 people who are usually a unit, how it tries to break you.
I had my husband but I felt alone, alone in the feeling of loss, my body felt useless, worthless, and empty. Not sexy. Just bleh
March 6th came, we took a test. We did it, we can get pregnant again YAY!!! Same date we found out on our son too. We thought surely this is a good sign.. Due in November, holy moly 3 kids in November along with my birthday, poor daddy we thought!
So all the usual symptoms. The nausea was so bad I started getting it at six and a half weeks. Slightly earlier than with my son, but more sick that the last pregnancy.
We decided to have an early scan.. 7 weeks and 2 days to be exact.. Waiting nervously for the scan.. Oh will everything be ok, what if it’s gone?
So in we went, scan on the tummy! You will be pleased to hear your baby is doing great and measuring to the dates you have said. Heartbeat is great so congratulations to you both.
We did it, I thought. What a relief came over my husband and I . We could can relax and feel safe in the knowledge that my body didn’t fail this time. That we are going to have a healthy baby. At the time I was just thinking, I will be happy either way if it’s a boy or a girl. The last time I was hoping for a boy for our son to have a little buddy.. Some weeks had passed
But here comes that dreaded feeling again. The one where I feel the baby is gone. That the light has gone out.
That date was the 20th of April
The 27th of April we found out the baby was gone! 8 and a half weeks AGAIN! Whats happening little baby, whats going wrong.. What am I DOING WRONG is all I thought. Was it because I got my nails done? Was it because I did a spinning class? What did I do wrong..
I was hit with the same emotion as last time inside, but to the outside world I looked like I was coping better, and to be fair I actually thought I was coping better. I had a few off days and a cry here and there but I thought you can get through this you’re strong. You know what to expect..
5th of May changed my life and the woman I once was, I think went missing that day for a quite some time.
So in for my D&C. The same procedure as last time, what could go wrong..
I was brought back to the ward to where my husband was waiting for me.. I came round and they told me I lost 800ml of blood. I was feeling weak and just looked so white in the face. The two nurses that were over me were scatter brains .. Doctor came round and said all looked ok and that my bloods would be checked again.
I came with bloods of 12.7 and was told they had changed to 10.2. Still high enough. Before I left to go home I passed a large clot, showed one of the nurses who told me that it was normal.
3:10pm I was going home !!
So we decided to drop my bags of and go over and get our son. But when we arrived over to my husband’s sisters they weren’t there,. I wanted to see my baby right at that moment to just smell him and hold him and be thankful that I havetwo babies at home..
Back pain started to creep in on my left hand side but though nothing of it..
So we got home and I was on the couch but the pain in my back was getting worse. I was crying with the pain, if felt like I needed to pass a clot. I needed more pain killers even though I had taken my fill of them.. I took two painkillers then told my husband to get me a basin as I felt like I was going to get sick with the pain.. It was catching my breath, I couldn’t breathe and tell him what was going on, he was getting annoyed as to say what the hell do you want me to do ?
He helped me to the toilet, still no clot.. I waited.. So back to the couch I went!! Same thing started happening 5 minutes later.. I was like get me to the toilet again I’m going to pass a clot..
As I sat on the toilet it sounded like I was peeing quiet heavy but then I thought I didn’t have to pee.. I looked down and I was haemorrhaging.
Blood pouring out of me. What will I do I shouted at my husband in pure panic. Blood wouldn’t stopped as I made my way to the couch. We need an ambulance..
A wave of calm came over me as I chatted to Nanny in my head. I’m too young to die. Don’t let them take me nanny is all I was saying to her..
My husband rang the ambulance. Then he put them onto me. I was calm, felt like I was talking about a patient, but not me, I wasn’t talking about me.
I never thought at this early stage of my life that I could actually die. The look on my husband’s face I knew he was thinking the same.
Dignity out the window as the paramedics arrived. Me with my trousers and pants down to my ankles.. Blood still pouring out. My husband said there were clots the size of my fist on the couch. I didn’t look.. I didn’t want to know what was happening down there. I was in pain and the paramedics were great.
I had been on ambulances before for work, but never as a patient. We go back to the hospital in no time.. I was rushed into A&E .
Nurses trying to get lines into me, all my veins had collapsed. My husband had to wait outside, I don’t know why, he was all I wanted, by my side, what if something went wrong and he wasn’t there.. I felt like I was passing out.. All the attempts in trying to get a line were too much. My eyes were closed. So many people talking, trying to get a line.. A doctor arrived with THE MOST ANNOYING voice.. She tried to do an internal, I was screaming, the pain was too much. A nurse held my hand and rubbed my head. I want my husband please get me my husband. So he was able to come in. My eyes were still closed.. A head Doctor arrived. They scanned me, my womb was pooling blood and I had many clots in there. All I was told was that they would have to investigate.. They couldn’t say exactly what went wrong, or why it happened.
That night the 5th of May I won’t forget… I was wheeled up to the High Intensity ward and spend 4 nights in there and 3 on the ward. I had drips and heart monitors and blood pressure cuffs on me and machine beeping all the time. I couldn’t sleep. I was puffed up into a mess.. All those days in hospital were a blur.. Like what just happened me, am I dreaming!!
I had to get a blood transfusion, three more surgeries, my womb had to be packed. It was just one big blur.. At that moment I don’t know how my husband felt seeing me his wife in this state, but he never left my side. This man I just love with all my heart, me and him stuck in the horrible situation.
They said due to be being somewhat fit I got out quicker than expected.
But what happened. I guess I will never know.. three miscarriages in a row, guess I will never know why either.
So we were referred to the miscarriage clinic on the 23rd of June, we had tests done on the baby, We were told we lost a boy and that there didn’t seem to be anything wrong We had chromosome testing and genetic testing and various blood tests, all came back negative. The three miscarriages were just simply bad luck. Part of me had wished we did have something wrong so we would have something to blame.
We were told out next appointment was for the 5th of September and that they hoped we would be pregnant by the next visit to the miscarriage clinic.
In August we found out we were pregnant again. We had a positive test one week before I had a missed period. So waited until I was nine days late to go to the doctor and various positive pregnancy tests later it was confirmed we were pregnant.
We got a confirmation on the Monday and on the Tuesday I went to the toilet and when I wiped there was blood on the tissue.. I just cried, we are losing the baby.
This happened for a few days and we were referred to the early pregnancy unit and had a scan at 5.5 weeks pregnant. They couldn’t see anything but told me the uterus was closed which was a good sign and to come back in two weeks. So we did. There was a small tear and to rest up.
Back to the miscarriage clinic we went for out check-up and they congratulated us for being pregnant and prescribed me progesterone suppositories and to take aspirin to help this pregnancy last. Hope I thought, please god let this help!
So we reached 8 weeks. To get to that point has been an emotional rollercoaster. We had spotting, we had bleeding, and we thought we were going to lose the baby all over again.
We had had the high of being told everything was ok and then it stopped.
But got that feeling again, like that light has gone out. We wouldn’t know until later in September. Is it my mind playing tricks, is it my body just saying its had enough?
This is the last pregnancy journey I will take though good or bad.. Each time it takes a piece of me that takes too long to comeback.. The more I take away, the more it may not come back..
I’m just exhausted…. Life has truly taken its toll on me the last 18 months have not been kind …
So here I am. The day after out dating scan. I was 13 and a half weeks.. Wish they would have just don’t the scan first, but yet its all the doctor chats about history and getting bloods. The Nurse couldn’t believe what I was telling her, it felt like I was talking about someone else.. She said, “ok we will need you to come in every 2 weeks for scans and checks “yet in my head I was like I doubt you will see me again..
We waited for our scan, I was in hot sweats, cold sweats, my husband and I silent as we sat there waiting to be called.
“If you could come this way, please.”
Ok we were on our way in, I felt sick, I wanted to faint.. On the bed I went, she began the scan.. I could see our baby.. The baby wasn’t moving, I couldn’t see the heart beating.. She was moving the thing around my belly, I started to cry.. “I’m so sorry to have to tell you but there is no foetal poll so no heart beat I’m afraid you baby is gone”.
Four times in a row.. What are the chances.. Why us, why me… I couldn’t get off the bed. I was in shock..
Then just burst out crying and then it was like a wall came over me and I was numb.. I came across this later that day to explain the numb I felt. “Numb, the pain that’s there. Yet missing. Found nowhere. This numbness. It hurts.
We were brought straight to the early pregnancy unit where they wanted to do an internal scan to measure our baby and to tell us when it decided to leave this world. 11 and a half weeks that’s when the baby left..
We sat down with the nurse and she asked did I want the pics, I said no. She put them in our chart. The advised me that they don’t want to do surgery due to what happened the last time so they gave me six tablets to take.. If they don’t work within 10 days I have to have surgery. Let’s hope they work..
When I got home, my legs stopped working I couldn’t walk, my arms went numb and I had pins and needles. Then my husband helped me upstairs and told me he was talking me out to dinner. Bad idea I thought but I went with it. We talked and talked it was nice, felt like the day never happened. But trying to sleep last night actually didn’t happen..
My sister got married that weekend.. So I had to hold off on the tablets. Right now I don’t want to talk to people about it, for me writing this down is my healing tool.
Today I feel nothing, but I know the dreaded emotions that will come in the next few days and weeks to come.. Until the last journey is over I won’t have closure.
The day I took the tablets.
Those tablets should be banned. I had taken them the day after my sister’s wedding, side effects on these were cramps, bleeding, diarrhoea and fever. I seemly don’t do things by halves. Three tablets at 12 and 3 more at 4 pm, by 6 pm I didn’t leave the toilet for 7 hours. The diarrhoea was so bad I had piles the size of mandarins and thought they would surely burst, couldn’t sit, I was in agony. The cramps shouldn’t be more that a strong period they said. Hmm I strongly disagree. 36 hours after taking these dreaded things it started to go downhill, 2 am and I started to have contracts is the only word for it. I was in labour, no pain killer could stop this pain, with each cramp I felt like I had to push and more clots and whatever else came out and quiet a lot of blood.. I was on the toilet from 2 am – 5 :30 am ( so my husband told me) every 8-10 mins this happened while my husband rubbed my back. I had fainted on the toilet, my husband tried to carry me off and bring me round and put me into bed.. The pain subsided and I got some sleep. When I got out of bed at 11 am the next day I didn’t want to eat or drink anything. The bleeding was quite heavy and the pain was manageable. I took 2 painkillers to try help. I rang the hospital to ask was this normal and the lady couldn’t get me off the phone quick enough to say yes yes that’s all normal..
So by 3 pm the pain came back, those labour pains, I ran to the toilet, too late, it wouldn’t stop, I started to haemorrhage .. I rang my husband, but by the time he came home I was feeling faint again. Into the van I went with sanitary pads coming out my ears to stop the blood, with each pain ( contraction ) I had the urge to push, the blood just came out faster. My husband carried me to A&E and they tried to get a line into my arm, 4 failed attempts and finally they got it in. The nurse tried to pull out the clot they said that was blocking my cervix and causing me to haemorrhage. I was on gas and air for the pain, this was not pleasant. The nurse had said I shouldn’t have been given these tablets with my previous history and I should have been monitored in hospital while taking them. Wish they had of told me that.
They scanned me in the emergency room and said that the baby was still there.. I asked what the hell had come out of me the last two days then if the baby was still in there. I was rushed up to a ward and was waiting on the anaesthetist to come round, thankfully I had not eaten or drank anything that day so they gave me a pethidine injection and anti-sickness and I was brought down for surgery.
When I came to the surgeon came round and spoke to my husband to tell him that surgery went well, that they injected my womb to make sure that I wouldn’t haemorrhage again and that was me done. Two nights in hospital and I was sent home.
Pinch me and wake me up out of this nightmare. This really hasn’t happened has it?
Now it’s back to “Oh how are you feeling, sure you’re a strong woman, just have to get on with it now, no point moping“ “Surgery was 2 weeks ago, you will be back to yourself in now time”” why aren’t you sleeping it’s been 2 weeks” “ try forget about it and move on with your life”
All these wonderful comments you get from people who don’t understand. It’s like you need to put all these things all the pain hurt and emotion into a nice secure box never to be opened again.
If only it was that simple.
Four angels just not meant to be. I’m so thankful I have my two children.. This has been the most painful time we have ever had and I hope those close to me never have to experience the same
I hope by people reading this that if they too are going through the same that this will help, that they are not alone. I am the face, I am 1 in 4.