I jolt awake in a cold sweat, babbling incoherently and clawing at my husband. I have pulled myself out of this dream before, the one that envelops me in it’s dank, smelly, material horror. My constant bedtime companion, my recurring slumber buddy, MY WASHING NIGHTMARE!!
It’s been with me for about, oh, going on four years now? Since I had my first baby, funnily enough! From the day I lovingly prepped all those weeny little babygro’s and placed them in the cupboard, it has been a hot wash, spin and a tumble down the laundry mountain to here.
And here I sit, at the edge of an endless sea of washing, bed sheets lapping at my feet, dirty socks nibbling at my toes.
The amount of washing my family produces is crazy!! My Zanussi 1200 provides the constant rumbling soundtrack to my life. As soon as I empty the laundry basket it immediately fills up again like the magic bloody porridge pot! Every clothes horse I own is heaving under the strain of jeans and shirts and outfits for tiny people. I have nowhere to hang all this stuff, short of building an extension to house my own private launderette. I dream of this.
This is what my fantasies have been reduced to!!!
My husband has become fearful of putting any clothes on the dirty pile less he incurs the wrath of the wash God’s. I recognise the creak and snap of the basket lid a mile away as it is the sound of my heart breaking over another load for the machine! I should have married a much shorter man….
I used to be very particular about sorting my washes, now it’s just light and dark as everything slowly melds into the same shade of mottled grey. I lost the will to colour code many moons ago.
But how do four people wearing one outfit per day create this level of dirty laundry? Allowing for the odd nappy explosion or little bladder leakage (not always the children’s), it just doesn’t add up! I mean, is this normal? Should I fit CCTV in the bathroom just to be sure strangers aren’t sneaking in their smalls??
Should we start thinking about applying to the government for washing powder allowance???
If I were to go one day without doing a wash? One day? Jesus, the thoughts of it sends me reeling into a cold sweat. And I really can’t afford to get this top dirty…!