Some people say, ‘If you’re wondering, then you already know you’re not done yet’. Others seem certain on a pre-defined number, and are ok with sticking to that. Some may have planned a number, but decided somewhere along the line to sign off, deciding that where they are now is the perfect place to be. And of course, others have no choice in the matter, regardless of what it is they want.
BUT – the thing is, how do you actually know? Really know, for sure, if you want another baby?
What if, when I see a newborn, it’s just simple nostalgia that makes me want to cuddle my own newborn again? When I pack up clothes that don’t fit anymore, I get sad. With Rian, I knew we’d be trying again for another one (and for us it isn’t so straightforward), so although it was sad, it was a hopeful sad. Now, when I’m packing up Alex’s clothes there’s a sort of finality to it, and it makes me a mixture of sad, but also content.
Or does it?
Things are starting to get easier – going from one baby to two was HARD. How on earth I thought I was busy with one baby is beyond me – now I think, what did I do with all that free time?! So I can only assume, going from two to three would be worse again! Am I able for it? Pregnancy (where I spent six months hanging over the toilet throwing up) is not fun, plus a commute to a full time job, with two small boys thrown in to the mix? It makes me shudder.
I don’t mean to sound flippant about it. IVF is not something to be taken lightly – I do know how lucky we are to have the boys. But that doesn’t mean I have to like being pregnant either. However, the IVF does make me wonder, am I just being greedy now? Do I really want to push our luck any further?
Life is lovely now – yes there are really hard parts of course. There are days when it’s just a case of getting through until bed time. But we’re at a stage now where there are no strict nap routines, no feed routines to work around. We can do things all together as a family, not while one of us takes one child because he’s too young/sleepy/due a feed, while the other takes the other child to whatever it is that’s on. There’s a really lovely dynamic with the two boys, honestly they adore each other. Do we need things to change?
And then I think of our four embryos in storage, waiting for a chance to become a person, a baby! Does that sound mad? Am I selfish because I don’t think I want to try again?
But then what if I regret it? Now that I have the chance, what if, in five or ten years’ time I regret not taking the chance while I still could? We’ve agreed with the clinic that they keep them frozen for another three years. Do I have to spend another three years wondering about it – should we just cut our losses now? The thought of losing them is not easy.
So many questions, and I don’t know the answers to any of them. On the hard days of course I think, that’s it, I’m done! But on the lovely days, it’s beyond amazing. Let’s face it, even on the hard days it’s still amazing, at least parts of it are. The things you have to work hardest on always bring the best results – some days are so tough, with sleep deprivation, trying to juggle everything at home and at work, that I wonder if I was mad to even try having any babies at all – what was I thinking?! But of course those moments pass.
And so it goes around in circles in my head. Swinging from absolute certainty to absolute uncertainty. From relief that we’re through all the hardest small baby phases, to sadness that we’re through all the beautiful small baby phases.
Which one is strongest?? Please, someone just tell me!
How do you know?! Was there a single definitive moment that dawned on you when you just knew? Answers on a postcard please. (Not a rhetorical question – answer me..!)