I never really thought about what it would be like to be a mum. I just innocently assumed that one day I would meet a man and together we would decide to have a family. It was never something that took up a lot of energy, if you know what I mean.
Motherhood is 100% not all it is cracked up to be.
Now, please bear with me before you disagree.
If I asked you to be honest with yourself, and with me, is your version of motherhood REALLY all that you thought it would be? Really? Not just the bits you allow others to see but the rest of it, the bits that are about you.
For me the answer is still no, motherhood really isn’t what I thought it would be. But no wonder, the version of motherhood that I thought I was buying into is NOT REAL!!!
My version of motherhood wasn’t what I had imagined it would be but that was because I was comparing what I had to something that didn’t even exist. I had bought into a fantasy version of motherhood and I felt shit, I felt like I was failing because what I was feeling didn’t seem anything like I had been led to believe it ‘should’ feel.
So do you know what I did? I had an identity crisis.
And then I started to reach out enough times to other mums to finally hear what I needed to hear. There were other mums out there who felt their own version of what I was feeling. Mums who felt lost, mums who felt like they no longer knew who they were anymore, mums who said that they were struggling with how parenthood had affected their relationships and mums who were desperate to be seen, to be visible!
Now I know.
I know that I had to go through an identity crisis when I had my first baby. I had to feel lost enough that it would tip the balance and spur me on to want to change something in my life. I didn’t know at the time what the change would be, I just knew that I had to listen to the voice inside that was telling me there was more. More to me, more to my life and more to motherhood than I thought possible.
And I was right. The change I made was to start stripping myself of the layers of motherhood that I had been conditioned into wearing. You know the layers I’m talking about; the ones society teaches us to wear.
Slowly, I started to try and put words to this feeling I had inside of me.
The feeling of needing to acknowledge that motherhood was so much more than I had imagined. Yes, I felt a love like no other but the insecurities and feelings of complete loss of self were also more than I had ever known. This wasn’t really something I had read about or been told about in ‘preparation’ of motherhood.
It has taken me a while to process the impact that motherhood has had on me as a woman, as an individual. I’m still learning and adapting to it but I know now that what I feel is nothing to be ashamed of.