Ah there’s nothing quite like a good old fashioned ‘adult debate’ with the spouse! It’s a great way of blowing off steam, letting out all those niggling issues, clearing the air to move forward and make space for more issues. I believe it is a very healthy part of marriage.
But chuck a few kid’s into the mix, and you suddenly start to fight like kids.
When lack of sleep and worry come in your front door, common sense leaves out the back. Myself and my husbands fights generally take on one of two genres:
The Blame Game:
My husband was bathing our eldest one night when I heard a roar. Running in I see her little finger bleeding. “You left your razor on the edge of the bath!!” exclaimed my husband. “But you are in charge of the bath, you should have moved it out of the way!” I replied. Both valid arguments, but I was clearly right. (My husband lacks any kind of environmental awareness, it’s really quite staggering). But our guilt of the situation turned us against each other. You! No you!!! My daughter was absolutely fine by the way, a tiny nick.
My husband: “God I’m just so tired!” I mentally roll my eyes as I am quite tired myself, of hearing this! To me, he works in the outside world where he gets to talk to other adults, have uninterrupted coffee breaks, gets to eat when he is hungry and to pee in private without his boss on the other side of the door trying to scratch his way in.
To him, I have it a bit cushy. I can flit about in the car wherever I choose, get one of the family to take the kid’s whenever I feel like it and just generally ‘home make’ which I think involves drinking tea and eating bonbons.
We both know these scenarios aren’t based in reality, but who needs common sense in an argument? Where’s the fun in that?? It’s far more fun to be irrational.
My husband houses a deep seated suspicion that I am secreting his things about the house to ‘gaslight’ him. The fact that he is the worst looker ever is irrelevant. I suspect he intentionally leaves a wake of carnage behind him as he moves about, just to piss me off. In reality, it’s just not on his radar!
None of these things really mattered before we had children. Now, they have the potential to be real deal breakers! Maybe we are deflecting our own insecurities on to each other. Or maybe we’re both just tired and cranky.
But one things for sure, there’s nothing quite like children to really test a relationship!
Two grown ups with different upbringings, different personalities, different opinions. What made us think that it would be plain sailing?? Perhaps humor, or hard work, or just good old fashioned love is what drives us on.
But in the meantime, the affectionate bickering continues…
“She’s not dressed properly! She looks like a feral child that’s been dragged through a charity shop!”
“You left the bathroom door open (again) and I found the wee one climbing into the sink…”
“Why did you feed them chocolate for breakfast???”
“No that’s not a smile, she’s about to vomit…”