Grief is a constant journey. In my head I have written this post many times and each version is different; raw, numb, angry, sad, optimistic, accepting, philosophical, painful, fearful, unsure, resilient.
All different adjectives to describe an indescribable event. Your whole life you are told the words “it’s going to be ok” but with something like death, its not ok.
The worst thing that can happen to someone you love has. It won’t be ok ever again.
Yet, your life still continues; you go to the shops for bread and milk, you pay your bills, you organise a funeral, you get married, you become a parent.
You manage to do all of these mundane and extraordinary things when your whole world is falling down around you. When you should be curled up in a ball, catatonic with grief, you pull through somehow.
We all do. Death is a part of life. My mum passed away, very suddenly from cancer two weeks before my wedding. It was a turbulent timeline within those 16 days between diagnosis and death.
There were no pink ribbons, battles or uplifting moments. The reality was sterile hospital rooms, more tubes invading her with every passing day, furrowed brows from doctors and sympathetic glances from nurses.
Her headstone was erected the same week I had my first 12 week scan. My second pregnancy due date was the same date as my mother’s birthday. These bittersweet parallels have my permeated my journey through motherhood.
I gave birth to three beautiful healthy children, who never got to meet her but who have helped to heal my shattered heart. Being a motherless mother can be a lonely journey.
The bond you have with your mother is completely unique. Her’s is the first heartbeat you hear.
The unconditional love that runs through you inherently is for her. To lose it, at any age, is to lose part of yourself. I have so many questions, that now as a mother, I would love to ask her.
Sage advice that I would love her to dispense without even asking, as mother’s often do!
Time does not lessen the pain of grief, instead you learn how to cope and to process with the feelings in a better way.
But mothering through grief gifts you with inner strength, resilience and most of all, appreciation for the present moment.
In a way you might not have before, you understand life is a precious gift given to you by your mother and to live your life fully and fearlessly is the best way to honour her memory.