“One’s a hobby , two’s hard work ,”she liked to tell me so often. Now I know what my mother-in-law meant.
My first pregnancy was …I suppose pretty plain sailing, indulgent even. It culminated in the arrival of a gorgeous baby girl.Even now I think I might as well have been sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea as be having contractions, so numbed was I by the magnificently potent epidural. God Bless It.
But by the time I decided to brave it all again it was a very different kettle of fish.
From the start I knew this one was very different. The early nausea all but drove me mad. The presence of a toddler meant I couldn’t indulge in nice relaxing things like…say…maybe a full nights sleep. No chance.
As my bump grew so did my worries. What have we done?
Was I able for all this again? Mentally or physically? Could I have enough love for another?
I needn’t have bothered with all the worrying because she started out exactly as she meant to carry on…impatient, independent, sure of what she wanted.. Along with the cute outfits, new bed for the toddler, regression of toilet training and husband’s bare two days off came the milk protein allergy! What’s this you might ask?
In a word..hell!
Numerous trips to A&E, various formulas, digestive medicines , reflux meds and even herbal medicine. All the while we wondered how to fix it for her, tried to keep it together and tried to be the same happy, chirpy parents to the now nearly three-year-old.
It was truly hell and this was when it began…..that feeling of panic, frustration, even failure.
It was awful and so suffocating.
There were times I just wanted to run away, to get away, to get peace. That elusive peace….that contentment I longed for ..for her..,for us all… for me. Did I “find” it? No, not really..she’s eighteen months now and I can finally say it’s a lot better. Only because I had to face it, to fight the suffocation, to avail of the help offered to me,to trust the professionals and those closest to me.
Now, as she constantly seeks me out, hangs onto me for reassurance and gets so frustrated and impatient for the words she hasn’t yet mastered ….I have to remember I can do it , I am doing it, and most importantly IT is my best. For me with my first placid fairy and second spit fire …it’s enough.