I believe the glass is always half full
There is always something positive to focus on
I live by the motto; ‘after a storm always comes the sunshine.’
I am strong
I am beautiful
I am confident
I am a great mother
I inspire others
Guest what? It’s all lies!
I hold my head high and my shoulders back, when all I want to do is fall to the ground and cry
I smile and crack jokes every day to make others laugh while inside I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me.
For years I am the woman to help others through hard times. I coach them in ways to focus on gratitude and what’s good in their life instead of focusing on the negative. I’m told that I inspire other single mothers by how I manage my life, stay calm and strong.
What they don’t know is that every second of every day I have thoughts in my head telling me that I’m useless, I’m not doing enough for my children, I’m not worth anyone’s time or friendship, I have embarrassed my family by having a broken marriage and cause them stress.
My thoughts snowball! For example, when I can’t get in contact with my kids childminder, my thoughts spiral and I start to not just think, but actually believe that something tragic has happened. I start to physically feel pain in my chest as if I have already lost my children. I will not rest or be at ease until I see my children are safe and must get to them.
Of all the things that I AM NOT – I know what I AM! I am a great actress! My family never knew how I felt, my children never knew how I felt, my close friends never knew how I felt… until the mask became too heavy to wear anymore!
I’ve heard before , ‘you don’t have to tell everyone how you feel; just tell one person’ and that’s what I did. That one friend had the strength to do what I couldn’t do. She told my brother how I was feeling and in turn my brother told my family. I wasn’t strong enough to tell my family. I felt so lonely and abandoned. I felt that no one had my back. I felt lost. I was screaming inside but yet couldn’t ask for help on the outside.
It’s now I understand! How could my family help me if they didn’t know how I felt? They saw me smile, laugh, joke, hold my head high – They saw my mask! The thing about wearing a mask is that it can skew your vision – my family always have my back, my friends want me, they care about me – but the mask stops you from seeing clearly.
Even though I hadn’t the courage to tell my family how I was feeling, I felt like a hypocrite asking for help; the overflowing relief of my brothers knowing how I felt was extraordinary. It was the first time in at least 12 months I could breathe.
I still deal with the challenge of controlling with my thoughts every day. I have started counselling because no matter what anyone tells you, you CANNOT control your thoughts or change your behaviours alone! If you’re feeling down, unworthy, lost – tell someone, just one person!
The masquerade mask has come off! This is me!