She’s Not…Is She? When Everyone Keeps Asking If You Are Pregnant - The M Word

She’s Not…Is She? When Everyone Keeps Asking If You Are Pregnant

Today We’re Going To Parent Like It’s 1986
October 13, 2018
Can We Have It All?
October 14, 2018

The recent royal wedding of Princess Eugenie to Jack Brooksbank, was awash with celebrities – a boldly, mannish suit clad Cara Delevingne.  And Twitter was fizzing with the fact that Fergie was wearing what looked like the golden snitch from Harry Potter on her head, as she swept into the crowd, waving with a slight Cruella Deville smile that seemed to say – away with your toe sucking memories – I’m back bitches!!

 

Yet one figure who seemed under considerable scrutiny was the newly married Duchess of Sussex.  She arrived in a loose navy, army inspired coat, a kind of SS officer chic. Different from her usual tight fitting shift dresses.  Predictably the Twitter rumour machine came to life – she’s not…..pregnant…she is?

As if she wasn’t under enough pressure as it is, such as having it noted in the media recently at her almost treasonous crime –  she ‘closed her own car door’ and didn’t let some toffee-nosed aide do it (yawn). And at this wedding, having to sit beside an emerald green Princess Anne, and presumably having to strike up a conversation about horses, or hunts, or hymns, or whatever these people talk about in their royal little cocoons.

 

Now of course, being in the public eye and having to succumb to such pressure from all angles is a role that I am sure the Duchess was well prepared for. Yet the ‘are you/are you not?’ question is something that most newly married and long time married women have to endure.

And it is usually some person unknown to the woman who feels it’s their duty to ask such questions! It’s never a close friend, a curious mother, a concerned sister – but it is usually some arsehole distant relative, or a Dublin Bus or taxi driver (‘Any kids yet love? Time for you to be knocking them out now. What has it been, two months since you got married?’) as you sit thinking ‘I can escape from a moving car on Dame Street, right? No one would notice?)

Never mind how enormously irritating the question is for someone who does not in fact have any issues getting pregnant – they might have decided to settle into married life first (I think I was a week home from my honeymoon when someone asked ‘anything schtirring’ – Galway schpeak for ‘get a move on and produce a few offspring!’), but what about those who are in fact trying and mother and father nature are not at home, or they fecked off back packing around the world.

I can be a hurtful, emotional time. And even harder to try and muster up the right answer.

Therefore, fear not M Word readers!! I am here to equip you with a list of possible answers that can disarm anybody who dares think they have the right to ask you that question! It is quite possible that the recipients of the answers below will be lexically stunned and bamboozled by them, that they will be thinking for ages afterwards and will never ask again.

  1. ‘I am planning to clone my children actually as I have a great fondness for the name Dolly’ (sheepish retort!)
  2. ‘I am a direct descendant of Jack the Ripper and to be honest, it is a strong gene, so we felt adoption would be best. Know any good dark alleys around here though?’
  3. ‘Did I not tell you? I married a poltergeist and we haven’t quite worked out how to have human and supernatural relations yet. The earth has moved but not in the way we want it to.’
  4. ‘I am expecting quads. We are delighted. Next.’
  5. ‘My nephew has actually managed to forge the One Ring and wants me to accompany him to Mordor to throw it into the fire chasm from whence it came. I won’t be back for years and I felt living on lembus bread wasn’t a good pre-pregnancy diet.’
  6. ‘I come from a long line of Fianna Failers, my husband’s family are mostly Fine Gael. We are doing genetic testing before considering our options.’
  7. ‘We haven’t had sex yet. How do you do it?’
  8. ‘I don’t know what a tracker mortgage is.’

 

Should keep them going on their way for now.

Fionnaigh O'Connor
Fionnaigh O'Connor
Galway girl, adopted Dubliner, online magazine contributor, literacy teacher, mother of one darling, sporty daughter and identical boys who are not at all creepy in The Shining sort of way.