Swimming Lessons Turn Mums Into Zombie Slaves

Swimming Lessons Turn Parents Into Zombie Slaves

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So here were are, another Friday. The Zombie Mom Apocalypse is here…More Zombie Moms arrive in groups to swimming pool car parks around the country, shuffling brainlessly with heavy feet into Swimming pools.

It’s another week of swimming lessons for their kids. This vacant look is the result of the dread of the brain bleeding ordeal of the weekly trip to the pool with their kids for their swimming lessons.

Once there, the stress of dressing multiple (or not) children. AT ONE TIME, descends like a murky mist. Their vacant zombie look is immediately replaced by a Crazed Lunatic manifestation. There’s speed and hysteria and you have to be quick! There’s hair whipping back and forth and hands stuffing minors into bathing suits and wrapping them in bathing apparatus.

Oftentimes this is accompanied by high-pitched wailing, tantrums and straight out refusals to get dressed by the kids. Mom gets stressed – the hair continues to whip around in a frenzied manner, skinny jeans inching down off the muffin tops, revealing butt cleavage and small wet patches of sweat begin to appear under arm, under boob, down the back of the leg (why are dressing rooms always a million degrees and humid?).

While this noisy battle is rages on, the other kids of Crazed Lunatic Mom take on zombie characteristics of their own and commence a Stare At A Stranger event. Sometimes they are staring at another kid in a similar battle or maybe another kid who’s trying to get dressed quietly cause there’s a kid looking at them.

Sometimes this sidelined Zombie Child will be naked too, waiting for Crazed Lunatic Mom to help dress them. It would appear these children haven’t noticed they have no clothes on. The rest of the parents of the dressing room avert looks in droves. Next week it could be them. We know this. It’s Zombie Mom Code.

Once all kids are dressed, this is followed by the push forth towards the swimming pool bank upstream of the other Zombie Moms, coming off the pool bank from the previous lessons. These are morphing very quickly into Crazed Stress Mom Version 2.0 for the dressing of kids again. The stress is heightened by the tired kids, the hungry kids, the damp skin refusing to let clothes on, the inches of space between them and the next family and the desire to get kids out and home and fed as soon as is possible.

The only reprieve is the 30 or 45 minute swimming lesson itself where we relax, watch kids flop around like seals in the pool, clap in all the right places, give miniature thumbs up, mouthing “you’re doing great” and we brace ourselves. Brace ourselves for the impending insanity of the dressing rooms for a second time.

Once out, we run for the car, we drive towards the epic blue skies of freedom! Freedom for another week!


The characters and events in this article are fictitious. Any apparent similarity to real persons is not intended by the author and is either a coincidence or the product of your own troubled imagination.