1. Snow White and The Seven Dwarves:
There is always some bitch who can’t handle getting older and another bitch who is more beautiful. You need to get over yourself and not attempt to kill the younger bitch by ordering a huntsman to kill her and bring her heart back. This is all a bit much. Botox or a consultation with a plastic surgeon is a much better option.
2. The Little Red Hen:
You put all the work in life, graft away but some prick always wants to come along and reap the rewards. Scroungers.
3. The Magic Porridge Pot – Why can’t this be entitled the Magic Prosecco Pot or even The Magic Pinot Grigio Pot? Just saying.
4. Jack and the Beanstalk – Jack was asked to do ONE job. ONE job to sell the cow at the market. Typical of boys that age.
5. Rumpelstiltskin – admittedly, very weird that he wanted a first born child but queenie did renege on her promise. It was all very good when she wanted gold to be woven, oh yeah. (Facepalm)
6. The Three Little Pigs – what do you expect when your adult children are still living at home with you Mrs. Pig?! Yes, I’m talking to you!
7. Little Red Riding Hood – is your granny really that ugly?
8. Hansel and Gretel – their father has absolutely no balls whatsoever to make his new wife leave his children in the forest to fend for themselves. Who does this? And she is the baddie? FFS.
9. Cinderella – always take his number on a first date.
10. The Gingerbread Man – if I told you once I told you before, never trust a fox who appears helpful. It’s like meeting a flirty guy in a nightclub who most certainly has taken his wedding ring off for the night.
11. Goldielocks and the Three Bears – bad things happen to fussy children. I knew it.
12. The Ugly Ducking – some people peak at different times and y’all better be happy for me!