The Six Terrifying Stages Of Thinking You're Late

The Six Stages of Thinking You’re ‘Late’

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As I sit here, I’m late. Not late for the bus, not late for a meeting; late, late. I think every parent knows what ‘late’ means.

Five days late. Not too significant. Late enough for a midnight googling of ‘what is making my period so late’. ‘Is it normal to be five days late without being pregnant?’ All quite normal apparently. Well, you’ll find whatever answer you want on the internet!

Still feeling a bit terrified mind you. Hitting 41 with three kids under seven I am in now well and truly in ‘done’ mode.

But what if I am? What if the most determined sperm in the world got in for one final fling with my (geriatric!) eggs?

Stage 1 – Denial – I’m not late, I’m not late, I’m not that late, OMFG I’m five days late!

Stage 2 – Trying not to stress – ok so I know stress can delay a period, so just relax. As I sit with every muscle in my body tensed and is that my teeth grinding?

Stage 3 – Negotiations with God – I know I haven’t been to see you since my last kids Christening, but from now on we’ll be to see you every week, deal? Just do me this one favour?! God, are you there?

Stage 4 – Trying to work out how in the world we will afford another baby and realising I may have to work forever. Or stay at home because I won’t be able to afford childcare for four children. Get a bit weepy. Hope that it’s PMS.

Stage 5 – Start to think about the imaginary due date. Look up a few nice names. Get a bit mushy at the thought of the newborn smell. Slap myself in the face. Remember the zombie like sleep deprivation. Panic again.

Stage 6 – Relief – Revel in the cramps when they finally arrive. No, no painkillers here, I want to feel it. Pour a large G&T and vow to never have sex again.