I’ve felt a major switch in my life in the past few weeks. Something has shifted greatly inside. Something positive, something familiar but that has been lost.
I have been so unsure in my life for the past two years since my departure from work into full time motherhood. I seemed to live with a constant cloak of uncertainty about absolutely everything. I lost my confidence, big time.
I lost who I was and I had no clue where I was going.
I second guessed every decision I made. I became a stranger to myself except I could not escape myself. I tried a lot of things to shake this feeling & yet all I was left with was a sense of exhaustion and more uncertainty.
I reread some books that had been influential to me previously, no result, I was left feeling even more uncertain. The context I had read them in before was no more.
No more work suits, no smart work dresses, no white crisp shirts, no high heels, no presentations and skinny lattes morning and noon. Just chalk to cheese.
I met old friends and talked it out, cried it out, went on days away to find myself with my glass of Pinot and a laugh and a chat, but returned once more in my cloak of doubt. Who I was, was no more, there either. Friendships old changed too, but really the only change is me.
I tried to run every day again, and failed, I lifted weights, I cut my hair, I cut out wine, but the old me did not return.
Certainty did not creep back in slowly, she arrived as swiftly as she had left me.
I woke up one day and she was here again.
She said to me you can stay focusing on the “no mores” or you can focus on the “what haves”, your life has changed in every way, now stop procrastinating and get on with it.
I presume it was sleep deprivation that made me over look the “what haves” because they are so much more than the “no mores”. Its smiles and kisses, slobber and poo, its drive thru cappuccinos, its run when I can, but nowhere near everyday & lift children as weights, its friendships changing both old & new. It’s her giggle and his smile, its my wonderful Valentine. Its me, I’m back, a fresh, a new, oh, how I have missed you.